What’s your WHY?

Wine Out Of Water Summer One of the things I’ve had to think about lately is my why.

Why do I blog? 

I love to write. I’ve been writing for as long as I’ve known myself and I think my family members consider me a scribe by default. Early on in my career, I would supplement my work- whatever it was, whether I was a retail sales associate, or a financial recovery specialist, or employment support specialist, or more recently as a case manager- with writing. I always found journaling my thoughts about my day to day understanding of the world around me to be an exercise in catharsis. Though I may not be as disciplined about it as I would like, I still enjoy wrangling the thoughts that run wild in my head and putting them in order on a page, or online. I’ve been immersed in creative writing and poetry since I was six years old; I have a “bunion” (is it a “bunion” if it’s on your finger? A callous? Not sure what the terminology is here but my finger is permanently deformed…let me know in the comments if you know what it’s called!) on the middle finger of my left hand from grasping my pencil tightly during early attempts to turn out rough drafts. I also drew a bit and colored a lot, but writing was always my drug of choice.

During the several iterations of this blog, my why has changed significantly.

WhatsYourWhy

When I first started, it was to heal a broken heart. I needed to scream. Screaming into cyberspace was all I could do so I wouldn’t turn my pain and anger at the thought of losing what I thought was love inward on myself. So I wrote and wrote until I felt like I could move forward.

I archived some of my old writing here, too, which is why some of my older work waxes religious; at the time I worked at a faith-based organization where I blogged for the organization’s website, a weekly spot we called e-Motivational Weekend Words. I blogged for posterity.

Now, I blog for my health.

On my worst days, I find it difficult to recall easy words. Sometimes I know I understand a concept but have a very hard time articulating what I am thinking, much to my embarrassment. My children often help me to remember things that I know I know- names of people and things, being able to accurately describe what I am doing or would like them to do. They are usually good at poking humor at my inability to recall, or the way the words fall out all jumbled and nonsensical, my frustration at myself always apparent. I blog now to keep my mind functioning. I record things for posterity, but not out of a sense of admiration. There is always a looming sense that these are things I will want to remember, things I will want to recall but will not be able to, someday in a not-so-far-off future. I blog for my health. On my foggiest days I continue to write even when it doesn’t seem to make sense. On clearer days, I look back and realize it wasn’t half as bad as I thought it was. I’m not looking for perfection, or for some crazy idea that will shift all of mankind into a new paradigm of existence. I simply wish to record the thoughts that make sense to me. In the event that I can no longer find myself on command, I hope that I would have left a trail for someone else- my children, their children, a curious lover or student- to find.

For those of you who enjoy reading these thoughts, or who share similar experiences, feel free to leave comments, or to reblog- I’d love to hear from you! What’s your why?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s